On friendship & worldviews
or not being the heartbeat
Conflicting worldviews always make me think of a friend, a best friend, who ghosted me.
When we were in our twenties, we called each other daily, and she was my sole confidant. So when she stopped answering the phone, I was worried something had happened. Had she been in an accident? Was she injured? I called her mother and a mutual friend. And, ultimately, I found out that she was just fine.
After a few days, I stopped calling, thinking she was busy. When I didn’t hear from her for weeks, I started calling again. I couldn’t think of any reason she’d avoid me. We hadn’t fought. What was happening?
When she finally called me, she told me she was “born again,” and I was no longer in alignment with her values. I found this, for lack of a better word, idiotic. (I was young and a bit reactive, so it was my genuine thought.) Now, I have different thoughts, but it took me a lot of time to get there.
We’d been through everything together, after all. We cried and laughed. We got each other both in and out of trouble. We were best friends, “besties” before that was even a term. We were each other’s unconditional support. Always. What would I do without her? And what had I done?
After a while, What’s wrong with me? was the recurring thought. A thought I wouldn’t wish on an enemy.
I didn’t try to convince her to keep me as a friend, nor did I vocalize my knee-jerk diagnosis that she was an idiot. I didn’t even ask her what was wrong with me, I only asked myself. Instead, I simply said, “OK, I understand,” and I hung up.
I did not understand. My heart was broken in a way I didn’t think possible, and we wouldn’t speak again for over a decade.
Why is friendship so fragile? Why are so many unable to allow human connection with those with whom they don’t share “values” or specific criteria that they believe they must live their lives by? Why can’t we just love each other anyway?
To this day, no rejection has hurt more. No breakup, no rejection of work or projects, no lack of an offer after interviewing for a job . . . nothing. It was, by far, the most another human being ever hurt me emotionally with a single act. Physical violence couldn’t come close. Not because it was the worst thing to happen to me (far, far from it), but it was the most unexpected of worst things. It was the most personal.
I still love this friend, but I doubt we’ll ever be connected in the same way again. As hard as I’d like to imagine I could rise above the hurt, I doubt I could trust her emotionally in the same way. But I do miss and love her. I wish her well.
Today, I think about the past and believe said friend was merely going through a transition, and the best way I could support her was absence. She needed to find a new way to live, and I was part of her old pattern. Looking back honestly, I was almost ready for my new trajectory, too. Her decision helped us both.
It seems as though everyone imagines they exist on the upper-middle lefthand side of the world. I find this curious and as though we’re all trying to be the heartbeat—the propelling force. But sometimes, we’re jolted from that view because others make our decisions. And in the moment, the pain can be fierce.
All this leads me to a prompt I’d like to invite you to try.
When has something that felt abysmal, even unjust, propelled you toward something more aligned with who you are? When has heartbreak led to growth?
Wishing you all a creative week. xo
Don't you think all heartbreak leads to growth? It may be nuanced. It may be forced on us. It may be internal. I guess, we have to believe this, too, for it to be. I, too, had a very close friend simply disappear from my life. Just left. No explanation. Invited to my wedding. Never responded. No card. No text. It was if he had used me as he wanted and needed at a particular time and then he didn't, like a prescription. I, as prescription, ran out. It still feels weird. Probably a lot of unanswered questions. He changed, I probably did, too. Friends for life, friends for a season, friends for a reason. Not everyone is going to be in your life forever.
I appreciate your message now--the loss or, rather, the dropping off of people I once considered friends. Ghosting is the worst, and I do wish individuals had enough self-confidence to tell others of their need for absence. Not knowing why is awful, and causes much needless self-castigation and hurt.
Your framing as their need for absence has healing power. Thank you, and peace...